Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Perfect Day?

I would say I spend half my day feeling guilty I should be doing more and the other half of the day wanting to just take a 5 minute breather. We are so go, go, go - stop. Go, go, go - stop. When I am not in forward motion, I feel like I am doing something wrong. There has to be more? More I can do?

So, where is the appreciation and happiness fit in? It is there, squeezed in between diaper changes and dirty dishes. There are the moments when my kids look up at me and smile, and I realize all the plates in my sink are a result of how much time I spend getting to look into their sweet faces at meal time.

There is such a sense of joy when I know I have done everything I could have in my day to make my children happy. The joy only grows if I can do the same for my husband. Down the list I go, trying to fulfill the needs of others and hopefully along the way I can make the time for myself as well! Don't get me wrong, I do plenty of selfish things in my day. The times I spend 15 extra minutes in Target even though my kids are complaining, or when I sit on the computer in the morning instead of playing. I am definitely not perfect.

I do, sometimes, feel like I spend too much time waiting for the next moment in our day to happen. Maybe it is a result of my intense need for scheduling. Maybe I am still waiting for the day when I feel like this day is the perfect day. The perfect day that will live on forever.

We have plenty of perfect days. While I am now defined in my role as a wife and mother, I have found myself trying to be ultimately perfect in that role. Which is impossible. Still, I sometimes feel the irresponsible young woman of my late teens and early 20's looms over my days.

Every chance I get, I squash her.

I think I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself she never existed. I try to tell myself that I deserve my happiness, that I have earned it - and I have. However, I know it is going to take a little more time for me to accept my life as it is. I can be in, seemingly constant, fear of making huge mistakes. I worry if I stop, mistakes will catch up with me.

So, I pile drive through my weeks with my kids and swear I will never let myself be a waste ever, ever, ever again. If I am doing all I can do than I shouldn't have to worry about not being perfect. I think I need to take more time to appreciate just being me, and just being an attentive, caring and loving parent will open the doors to more and more happiness.

My happiness happens when it isn't forced, or contrived, or planned. If I make myself a model of a good person than in its own way, life makes room for me to be happy and deservedly so.

Up to now, today has been a vision. We had breakfast together, we played and watched Super Why, we went garage sale-ing, we played outside, we had Spaghettio's for lunch, we went for a walk.

Having coffee and watching David have fun while James took his morning nap.

I got to sleep in with the kids waking at 8 AM, I got to have 2 cups of coffee, I missed my husband and that felt great, I got to get my kitchen clean, I got both boys down for a nap together, I got to write this blog post.

Most importantly, I realize I got to spend 7 glorious hours with my pink cheeked, happy children. Even though I might live in fear it won't last forever, I took the time to appreciate and be thankful we are all happy. That realization makes today the perfect day.

1 comment:

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